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For me when I was a kid it was that my dad didn’t love me because my parents were divorced. Or my name. I got called rennie soft chews for a while because ‘renne’ is a nickname and I was always a lil chonk. I highly recommend the How to Talk-series, most relevant for OP is How to Talk so Teens Will Listen and Listen so Teens Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. In addition, the chapter on autonomy, and the chapter on freeing a vhild from being trapped in a role, in How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk. Their books have helped me more than any other parenting books I've read, and I've read many. My personal favourite is How to Talk: Siblings Without Rivalry.

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